one month

NOON The first month after the "connection" was great. I was happy. I thought I was going to have a chance at falling in love with someone I thought was cool. He was thinking of me and thinking about coming to me. But after a month, I started crying. I knew he wasn't coming. But I still felt him and everything he felt and I knew he still thought about me. It made me cry more. Then, exactly one month ago, he finally contacted me. By email, when he was right across the driveway. And what did he have to say?? He can't leave his kid. Even though the week before, he was ready to die. And that was suppose to make me feel better how?? That he would rather die than leave his wife and take a chance with me?? The one he was talking about leaving for three damn years?? Really??? How does that make any sense??

Ok. A month later. Sure, drugs fuck people up and make them do stupid shit. But really?? How could you want to talk to someone, months too late, just to tell them some bullshit?? And you all wonder why I'm still upset. He played with my emotions for nothing and he still won't get out of my life. If you've read my other posts, I have done every thing I can to make him go away. Hell, he moved half way across the US and yet I still feel it when he thinks about me. It's bull shit. Frustrating as Hell. Especially when life just keeps kicking me down and not letting me accomplish a damn thing. Even my two year old car is dead. I feel like I'm being forced to sit here, where I'm surrounded by reminders of him, even his dog and being forced to think about this guy. I don't want him anymore, I can't accept someone so careless with their actions. Please help me find someone. I'm trying. I want this guy out of my head. I want to dream about me. I want to go out and not see his face or hear his name or hear about the town he is from. I want it all to stop.

What about the physical pain?? Well one, I'm covered in tattoos. That should tell you I'm tough. Number two, look what I believe in. I'm energy. My body is a mask and I've survived things I never should have. Emotional pain, well that goes really deep. Hard core. I believe in caring, helping and most of all, being up front and honest.

"Apologize" One Republic


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