10:30pm I'm sharing everything for a couple reasons. One, I know I'm not the only one who feels so deeply. I have seen too many suicides of people who couldn't handle it. I want as many people to know as I can, that they are not alone. I have always been this way and I have felt like giving up so many times. But I have never actually thought about killing myself. I couldn't even think of how, I just wanted to give up. Not until about 5 weeks ago that is. I've been depressed and sad for several years. I starting giving up on life. All I've ever wanted more than anything in this life is to find true love. I'm 35 and have dated and tried. The few good ones I actually picked, they disappeared. Yea, they just stopped talking to me and coming around. No explanation, no sorry, nothing.
I'm an empath. I don't touch many people because I feel what others feel just by being close to them. Touching, just makes it way too hard. Most often, I don't talk about what I'm feeling.....because I don't know what's mine and what's yours. So now I'm upset with myself more than anything. Why did I let this guy touch my hands, over and over for like four hours?? I'm the fool.
Anyway, when he wanted to die, I did too. I was already really depressed and broken. Then this guy is next door wanting to die and I feel everything he feels. Even more when he's closer. Yea, for the first time in my life, I actually tried to think of how I would do it. Of course I couldn't. I couldn't even imagine how I would do it, I just wished really badly that I could. I know how much it destroys others. One of my high school class mates shot himself. it's been almost 20 years and people still talk about it. People are still really upset about it.
I'm here for you. If you or anyone you know is ever that low, I will try to help if they need it. You should too. Just say hi and ask if there is anything you can do for them. Most often, we just need to know that someone cares, right?? Why didn't I help that guy??? He was with his friends, he didn't need me. And most importantly....he knew I was here and wanted him, he could have came to me if he wanted to. He's married, I will never be the other woman and I'm not a homewrecker.
It's your life people. If you want something, go for it. If you need help, fucking ask. Reach out and talk to someone. I promise that you are not alone