Finding My Teratoma


I was depressed in barber school. I spent a lot of time crying. I was cold, lonely, stressed and letting the green smoke me. Even though My Devil and my teacher (who was the cool mom) were constantly talking about how that wasn't good. I skipped at least one day a week. And slept a lot. I was so stoned, I didn't think about the fact that I usually gain weight every winter but I wasn't and I was freezing. I kept thinking I was just depressed.

Then on Valentine's Day, when I fell in love with a dog, I was told by my friends that night to go to the doctor. I had a horrible cough. When I woke up the next day, I went to the Careworks, where I was diagnosed with a swollen, possibly infected gland. I was given antibiotics. I felt better a week later. But I never felt completely better. And I was still letting the green smoke me. Blaming the constant urinating on the coffee, the upset stomach on the food I ate or didn't eat along with depression and the cough from cigarettes. I mean, what could they find with this?? Where are the signs of something major?? My bloodwork is fine now and probably always has been, right??

And then an old friend joined Facebook after I dated Home Depot, who just happend to be his childhood friend. The guy I thought I loved for 16 years. He had a girlfriend and I really liked him so we were just friends. I always hoped that one day, he'd want me. I knew they wouldn't work out. And there he was on Facebook. We talked for about a week. We sat by a friends pond for three hours and talked about life. Eventually, a week or so later, I remembered that we never tried to stay in touch all these years, we just happen to be in and out of each others lives for 16 years. I believe that we were together in other lives but it never worked out. So in this life, we showed each other what we want and don't want and helped each other get it. We talked for a week, then he disappeared after making sure I was dressed up for Boston in June.

That night, I expected to be sad and depressed, I was stood up again. By the guy I thought I loved but instead, I felt calm. And after that weekend, I was happy for a month. I was loving my dreams about Boston, not the old friend anymore. But Fourth of July came and Boston never showed. A little while later, I looked at his Facebook. He said he was moving to Colorado. I closed Facebook, never looked at him again, started crying again and letting the green smoke me again.

But he wouldn't stay away. He kept coming around and thinking about me. When I tried to tell him about me, he ignored me and must have thought I was crazy. I was so stoned again. And awfully confused. So depressed, I didn't care or notice when I ate. It wasn't much. Then I ran out of green. And there was no way I was going to see Boston. So I went sober. Three days went by, I was starting to notice and feel something very wrong. But what?? I had no idea. I just didn't feel right. My Taurus father came to visit and got me real stoned. If my ribs weren't fractured then, I'm sure the coughing helped. I went to sleep stoned, wondering what was wrong and why my ribs hurt. Sure, I'm a clutz but I didn't do anything to my ribs. I would remember.

I woke up around 2, delivered papers and was in so much pain, I knew I was going to the ER. This was insane. Thankfully, they like taking CAT scans and they found this tumor. So really, how the hell did I fracture my ribs??

"Mad World" Gary Jules

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