I'm not a fan of Five Finger but my daughter is, thanks to her dad. I was listening to the heavier shit last night/this morning before I left and 97.9 was on my radio when I started up the car. They say it's good for you when you're angry. It definitely helped me. And that song just fits so well. The Scorpions I let play because duh, Scorpio's are hugely important in My World, it is metal and they do rock.
This morning, I decided to start my Spotify list as I was going. I just had to share what the Universe was playing for me. So magical. Until I hit Susquehanna Rd. "FourFiveSeconds" had just started, yea, I actually caught it from the beginning. And I saw a fox. Considering both, I felt like my suspicions were being confirmed. I decided to stop the list right there and I'm letting it stay that way. I did nothing wrong, I have no apologies to make and that song fits my mood perfectly. I promise it's more hate and heartache, I did use SoundHound and I will finish the list some day. All morning the Universe played that shit for me. And I'm done sharing my music for him. After I saw the fox, I was thinking about what I was going to write. Up till then, I wasn't going to write anything; but seeing that fox with that song playing.....oh I got worked up some more.
Then, a few roads later, after I knew exactly what I wanted to say, which I will at the end here, I felt like the Universe was telling me "yes, you got it" because I came upon a house giving away free shit. Again, this is the third time in a week. This time, I scored big. I now have three beautiful lamps. Cheap, of course, they were free but they are still really pretty. I also got a round tin box for my mom, she loves those things. But the best, they had two candle scones. I'm always looking for some good ones. I think they are cool. And these two are the best ever, they are wooden and each one has a heart carved through it. They match my coat hanger, well, after they are stained, they will. So fucking cool.
But I was only happy for about 45 minutes. All morning, I was coming upon buck in the road. Every one of them would stand there, put their head down and shuffle around trying to decide which side of the road to go. They looked quilty and confused to me. Yea...that's how magical My World is.
When I was going up Hart Rd, I lost it. I couldn't take the pain in my heart anymore and I bawled. I bawled for a good twenty minutes. I am so lucky that a deer or bear didn't run out in front of me, I would not have seen it through the tears. All I could think about, was how could some one want to die over taking a chance with me?? I'm the best fucking thing that could happen to anyone. I got probably a hundred guys trying to get in this door. But this guy would rather die?? I'm over here literally, physically fighting for my life and needing saved like no one can even imagine but he comes along and begs for attention and thinks he needs saved?? All because he's too cowardly to leave his wife and start over??
Where the fuck is that boys mind and why would he think that I would want to look at him and talk to him after letting me down like that, leaving me here all alone?!?!?
Apparently he hasn't been told that I thought about it for three years. I said no for three fucking years. And when I finally said yes, that decision wasn't made lightly, it was not for shits and giggles, it was not out of desperation. No....I finally said yes because I really wanted him.
So when I finally stopped crying (the bawling turned to crying for awhile) I realized that I was ready to take off and never go back 'home.' Yea, it hurts like Hell but I am so ready to leave this place and never look back. Why?? Time for my suspicions.
I feel like my dreams are happening now. That Boston is hiding from me. And way too close. He just doesn't believe me. I feel him. I hear him talking to me all day, every day. I haven't physically seen him for over two months but I 'see' him every day. It's like he's right here, looking at me and talking to me. It's not just in my dreams. And look how I was last night. I was sad, I was mad, I was freaking the fuck out. And now I want to leave here because it felt so much better out there than here, in my own house. I've had my heart broken so many times, at least twenty years and at least once every fucking year. How many times did I get 'dumped' on Valentine's Day?? Way more than I'm willing to count.
Now, I have this shit to deal with. My heart can't take this shit. I'm too sick for this. Yea, after five months, I'm use to it and I'm learning to ignore him. But damn it.....if he doesn't want to make this shit real, real soon.... then he needs to quit thinking about me and get really fucking far away from me. I'm stuck here for now and I can not live this way. Oh yes, I'm sober again and still really pissed. How do you like this Carol?? I think I'm starting to like her