My Man

7:51pm

Woke up sad again. Getting really tired of this. Waking up crying and not knowing why or what to do about it. Then remembering how disappointed I am with my life right now, yea, it's hard not to cry more.

Awful.

Thankfully a friend stopped by and smoked with me. I defnitely don't like sober Carol. And I'm freaking out, I'm poor, I'm not hungry and I will have to be sober again real soon. Yuck.

But while I'm not. Im going to reflect on my last few blogs. Yea, I chose to spend six months of my life doing something I don't do. I hung out with people I wouldn't normally spend that much time with. I didn't get a real job with one of my many talents. No, I wasted six months of my life trying to show others how to make money so I could get some one's attention. And it worked. But only for a short while. Now I've wasted the last four and a half months crying and trying to figure out how to get my life back. Yea, I really fucked up again. All over a stupid boy.

But I did learn a lot. I remembered all the things I want in a man. I remembered me, who I am. And I do know what I want. I'm sick of people trying to tell me they think they know what's best for me. I'm not looking for the impossible. Not at all. What I want is out there and he's rare, just like me. And maybe that Boston boy does have it all but he's a boy, he doesn't know how to respect or appreciate women and he's married. He's old enough to save himself.....so fuck him. Him and W think they live in a mans world. Well someone better wake them up and make them take a good look around. I tried and failed. Women are smarter and we are taking over.

I almost forgot, Boston left his dog behind with someone who already has too many dogs and responsibilities. Didn't care that I wanted the dog, have plenty of time and room and being sick, a dog would be the best companion. Hell, bet I would've stopped crying a long time ago if I had a companion who gave unconditional love and didn't talk. Yea, Boston is an insensitive, unappreciative boy.

I finally looked up Mars in Gemini. I'm definitely right. I am looking for that, it's exactly the kind of man I've been looking for. I have been alone and am the awesome person that I am so that I can get my Mars in Gemini's attention and keep it. I have his Taurus Sun as my Moon, I think the way he acts. I also have a Gemini Moon so I also think with his heart. AND he is definitely going to write about me. I always thought it was my Taurus Moon writing but I was wrong, it's the Gemini and I use it to think way more than write, that's why he will be doing the writing. Now I have to find the strength to make it twelve more days. I'm really hoping and counting on this tumor being removed to make me feel better. I'm done expecting a man to find me and help me, it's too late, I've made it this far, I don't want any help right now. I just want to get better so I can go find my man.

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