Woke up from a nap thinking about Bostons words when he emailed me. Said he wanted to "clear the air" Wow.....why am I still being haunted by this?? I actually fell asleep feeling peaceful and content with my loneliness. And I wake up with tears again?!? He crushed my heart, wanting to talk to me after I said I didn't want to, after three months of not coming around and then he's suddenly living next door with his wife for the past week. Did he seriously think I didn't already know he chose her?!? So really, why did he want to talk to me?? All he did was make me cry even more than I had been for the last three years. Now, the tears are never ending. I wish I could stop dreaming about him.
I'm so sick of this nightmare. My problem is that I want magic. I want to feel what I felt for the first month after hanging out with Boston, after letting him touch my fingers, I dreamed about him every night. He was with me everywhere in my dreams, talking to me, making me laugh and holding me. It made me so happy, up until the Fourth. Then the dreams started making me cry so I started letting the green smoke me again. If I'm stoned enough, I don't remember my dreams. And then, yea, he came along and He made me cry more. He gave me excuses, I called him out, called him a coward. And what did he do?? He ran away and disappeared, just like I yelled W to make happen.
I want magic with someone who believes and chooses ME every day. Like Blaine. He's here for me, he cares about me and he helps with whatever I ask for. Before my nap, he helped me move my bed. It was frustrating and not fun. We don't communicate very well with that kind of thing.
I tried and tried to like him and want him. I'm struggling because I don't feel the magic with him, he doesn't want to talk and he doesn't do all the things I want from a man. But he believes, he truly does, yet I don't feel him. He even slept next to me in my bed for a week, not touching once and I never even dreamed about him. Yea, we touch hands and maybe an arm here and there but I can't make myself feel him.
It's frustrating. I have the 36 questions to fall in love because I believe you can fall in love with whoever you want. I'm trying to fall for Blaine but I guess it's like building a Rolls Royce.
I wrote all this waiting for my papers because I was confused and early. Somehow the clock in my room was set an hour ahead, I thought I left my house at 3:30, it was really 2:30. I didn't know this when I stopped at Dunkin. The girl asked me how I was, I said I was actually feeling alright. She said "it must be because Halloween is over" She started to say something else but was interrupted by a customer, shut the window on me and ignored me so I left. I wrote and waited for my papers. When the guy showed up and told me it was 2, I was in disbelief, found my phone and checked, holy shit, it is Sunday and I am getting my papers at 2!!!
Yea, I agree with the Dunkin girl, today is the start of the Witch's New Year, a SUNDAY, we gained a whole extra hour and the radio played some beautiful music for me. I haven't heard most of those songs in awhile. I've been trying to remember the name of "So Alive" and didn't try finding it because I knew that some day the radio would play it for me. And this morning, it started right as I turned on High Road and played all along the mountain. Then, when I got to Magic Valley, it was 4:20 am. Magic does happen and I think it's my turn to have a magical day.
Below is a pic of my journal, the red package is what my sexy brown shirt came in. I wear it with my tiger striped pants and wore it for the first time on my last day of barber school.
8:32am I have no issues with my shirt, I Love it and they got five stars. I made a playlist called Soundhound because it threw those songs in, in the order they are in in this playlist. I was not listening to them, like for instance, I was listening to "Oh Pretty Woman" and Soundhound told it was "Fatale Beaute" by Jean Luc Godard and that song isn't even on the internet anywhere. I listened to the four other extra songs around 8 am, I don't like them but the lyrics I Love.