First Day Back


I went back to work this morning. Against doctors orders. I was originally suppose to start back Monday but I was in the hospital with a hematoma. Technically, it looks like three. I want to not care, it's healing but I can't understand where they came from. I'm wondering if I'm a sleepwalker and no one has caught me. The hematoma, to me, it looks like I got hit with a baseball bat three times. Did I get up to potty and fall against my bed three times?? Mom stays in her cave more than she comes over here, my daughter goes to school while Blaine and I sleep almost all day. I've noticed in the last two days, Blaine is not ok. He reluctantly went with me to deliver papers this morning. After I sat and cried while waiting for him to compose himself. Spending hours alone in a car with some one who wants to talk, is not Blaine's cup of tea, especially since he is sick. He had to prepare himself and I cried because he's all I've got and I'm making him do this. Have you heard that he has Lyme disease?? I found out yesterday that he is out of meds and has been trying to get more :((

No wonder he's having such a hard time. And he's sleeping so heavy, how would he know if I have gotten up and hurt myself. I'm especially intrigued by something else we talked about. He agrees that I have a right to be selfish and want to take care of myself right now. But he says I should be paying more attention to what's going on. Like what, I asked. He couldn't answer that. We talked about my mom a lot. I got him to talk almost the whole time.

Finally. We confirmed that we see the same things and agree on a lot but are not sure what we can do. We care too much and we expect way too much. We feel there is nothing we can do. Keep paying it forward for what?? When does the reward come?? We're tired of being kicked down, forgetten about and just plain getting shit on. We aren't just lonely, we're both sick. How can two sick people help each other?? It's not going too well. Especially when he thinks that I can do a lot more than I think, like fix my own bed frame :( that hurt. I've tried, I've done my best. I cry, I scream, I hurt myself and the frame is still falling apart, just not as badly. No, I can't do everything on my own. He agrees that this house is too much for one person who works full time with a messy kid. I'm done doing this on my own. But then he makes me think about what the fuck am I going to do?? He says I should stay here, this is my house, he's very adament about me staying right here. And he talks like he's not expecting to be around forever. So what do I do?? Work from home and pay some one to do what I can't. One of these days I will find a handyman who understands what I want and he will do it for a decent price. I'm pretty and I'm not stupid. I'm tired of being ripped off.

Anyway, back to the sleep walking, am I?? Blaine said that W claims to have visited me with some bud. But I supposedly turned him away!! Get out. I would never turn down free bud....never. The day I washed my car in my bikini and yelled at W, I took his bud that day. I had been sober two or three days. I smoked that and slept for ten hours. I don't remember ever seeing him since. What do I expect?? Nothing. Not now. Opening my home was a huge deal for me and I felt like I was forgotten about and brushed to the side. No one told me, I was left to figure it out when the guy moved in with his wife. That really hurt. I get that W doesn't understand my feelings and emotions but I was really hurt while going through some real tough shit on my own. A hot meal once or twice would have been nice but I did get some green. I appreciate it and I thanked him. I just want to be alone because I'm missing a huge tumor that made eating difficult and I'm missing important woman parts. I can barely tell when I have to pee and walking is still difficult :(( I don't even understand my body physically anymore, let alone my emotions.

As for denying his bud....well....he's lying or I'm really good at sleep walking or I'm in the wrong fucking World. I'm so confused. I'm definitely still emotional. Still depressed.....which I can't figure out what to do about. My doctor sucks, I want a new one, I don't think she gets me at all. I would be happy if I had a dog or a man but I can't afford to buy a dog and I'd rather one find me like all my other pets have. As for men, I'm not even going there. I'm 35, I've put myself out there enough and none of them were man enough to come help me in my time of need, I'm done looking at them. I haven't had sex for almost six months and I'm not allowed to for who knows how long right now. It's a damn blessing. Maybe I will finally like a woman. I've always checked them out, there are some beautiful, strong women out there. And I have yet to find a man with balls as big as mine....but women, I've met some who are way better than me. I've only dated guys that I'm attracted to, maybe I can learn to become attracted to women instead. They would definitely understand how sensitive I am. Oh....I'm thinking too much and writing for myself anyway. I'm going to attempt a nap

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