Really hurt


I'm getting better and better. My head is clearing up and I'm finding out that most of the things I had suspected are true. Yea, I tolerated the meth heads. That stuff is like adderol and people legitamately need it. It was under control and people were being helped. But that was a mistake. They are fucking up now and there are others who think that it's okay to do heroine too. I'm not down with that shit. There is absolutely nothing good about that stuff. And yea, I'm extremely pissed because I tried to help Boston get away from that shit but instead, he brought it to my neighborhood and got others hooked. Not cool at all. I believe that at this point, the only salvation for that boy is jail. Which I dreamed about many months ago and tried to prevent from happening but he didn't believe me nor want to listen to anything I had to say. Selfish people are only lucky for so long, especially when they hurt others.

Why the fuck doesn't anyone want to listen to me?? I know the way, I know the answers to life and I know how to stay away from drugs. I'm here to help.....and I have had enough with the fools who think heroine is ok. I'm not 100% better yet but you all better watch out. This is MY Mountain and My World. The only 'drug' I approve of is weed. It's a seed and it has many benefits. It is what keeps me alive and healthy so you all better hope I start making money real soon because I'm out of weed and it's going to be a long time before I can afford it and you know I'm a real bitch sober.

P.S. 8:36 pm

I'm still hurt every time I'm forced to look at Max too. He found me, he should be mine.....I'm not suppose to be alone. He came to see me at my home and while I was at my grandfathers down the road. So what did they do?? They put him on a chain, locked him in the house and kept him away from me. One of their dogs had puppies too and did they offer me one?? Oh no, they had to sell every one and make some more paper. All I wanted was a dog and they gave me nothing but a broken heart and shattered MY World. The only time I existed to them, was when they wanted their money. And they wonder why I quit dealing with them. I was just another means to them getting their fix, they didn't see or care about me. I guess this is why I'm so strong and have been alone, so I can't be forced out of my own home. Pretty pathetic what drugs do to people. They were all so worried about their next fix and how to make more paper to pay for that fix that they left me for dead, SOBER and ALONE. They couldn't even give me a dog, they had to add another one to their collection and make me watch while I suffer alone. Yea, I still cry almost every waking moment I have because my health is still forcing me to be at home Alone.

I've been an alcoholic. I drank a lot. It is legal and it made me have fun. I've tried everything else. Pills were bad for my stomach, coke and meth made me so nervous, I decided that I have enough energy, I don't need uppers. And yea, I shot heroine once. It was so good, I never touched it again. I was twenty. Yea, I'm that strong and I can help others. I hope now that my tumor is gone, I learn to stay away from the ones who don't want my help and hurt me. Shit, I'm addicted to humans, maybe losing this tumor will help me save myself and make me stop caring too much about people who don't care about me.

P.S. #2 I forgot to mention that I walked away from the alcohol five years ago. Yea, I walked away and got on with my my life like it was nothing. I think I have been drunk five times since, the last time, W's moonshine almost killed me and I'm done. I like a glass of wine some times and that's it. I also want to remind you that I just had major surgery and have been taking extra strength advil. Yes, that's it along with some weed when it's avaiable. The most I've been drugged in a really long time was last Sunday at the hospital. They fed me narcotics all day and night. I still couldn't sleep, the only pain I felt and still feel, is the pain in my heart. The one the doctors say is perfectly healthy, yea, it hurts like Hell all day, every day. And I walked out of that hospital sober and without narcotics. So all you junkies that didn't think I needed you, you were right, I deserve so much better. And after what you've done to me, you don't deserve my help. As for the dog, it's good I don't have him, I'd be forced to look at his owner and that face, I never want to see again.

Why?? I did his birth chart way back in June. He has everything I want. He is everything I have been looking for my whole life, he is my twin flame. But he's fake. He's become everything I hate. He's selfish, greedy and addicted to the worst drug out there. Most of all, he didn't want my help. He was ready to move to Colorado, Texas, he even wanted to kill himself....any option but me. Yea, I was not even an option. The smart, beautiful single woman next door who owns a home next to his best friend and has a very successful life, yea, I was nothing to him. So I took his birth chart, ripped it up, threw it in the garbage and spit on it. I haven't looked at him since. He left me alone and wouldn't even give me his dog. I told him the night I met Max, standing in his kitchen, that if he ever had to get rid of him, I wanted him. But no, he gave the dog to people who already have more dogs than they know what to do with. I'd rather cry every night and spend my life alone than look at him and wonder when he will do it again. I want to believe it's the drugs but he was ready to knock on my door one day when I wasn't home so why the fuck did he completely forget about me and leave me for dead with nothing and no one??

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