Yellow

5:25am

I would like to start off by apologizing for offending some one over my Facebook post about meth and heroine. But I shouldn't have to. I wasn't that specific, I didn't name any names, I know a lot of fucking people and all I asked was to keep it off my mountain. The person offended most, yea that's who it was mostly directed towards.....because I thought that was his job. To protect us and keep us safe while also making sure we have weed. Am I wrong?? Doesn't he have the power to keep the hard drugs away from our families?? I really am sorry that he was hurt by it but I wanted the message to be loud and clear for everyone.

Now I want to talk about Boston's wife some more. According to Blaine, she's really smart. If that's the case, I'd like to know why she married a dealer and expects him to change?? She's older than me, she should know that you can't make people change. And she's been married to him for many years, she should know better than I do that that boy is never giving up his weed. So why does she drive him around, why can't she say NO?? She told M that she didn't need him and Blaine says she has money, so why the hell is she still hanging on?? It's been awhile since M told me but I was told that Boston knocked her up on a drunk one night stand and only married her because she was pregnant.

Did you see the front page of the Press today?? A man was so unhappy, he beat his girl and kid. How long can you stay with someone you don't love before you want to kill them?? I stayed with my kid's dad for almost two years after falling out of love with him. For my daughter's sake. But when I realized that I'd rather choke him than fuck him, I did what I could to end that relationship. Just like the guy I dated afterwards. After seven months, he was living with me. We had a big fight and I broke a mirror. Yea, me, I got violent. The next day, I packed his shit and took him back to live with his grandparents. I'm a lover, not a fighter and I'm not staying with some one who makes me violent.

And what about the kid?? Have you looked up autism and intuition?? I worked at Holiday Hair for almost five years. I had several clients with autism. Why do you think most of them don't talk?? They are more psychic than I am, they know we are not ready to hear what they have to say. Do you really think he doesn't feel how unhappy his parents are together?? You think that it doesn't affect him??? Maybe you should do some research on that stuff.

Anyway, I definitely know that writing about this helps me get over it and move on. I can't wait for the day that this shit never crosses my mind. It doesn't help that I'm surrounded by reminders and am forced to talk about it to certain people. Nor does it help that Max is next door, not with me. But I don't want him bad enough to go hang out and see how it goes. I don't like maybes. I want yes or no. I proved that we were a good match the night I met him, in front of his owner. And don't forget, the very next week, you tried to bring Boston to my house so we could talk about living together but the wife showed up. So please, stop making me look like the fool.

I was reminded this morning of how much I've hated Christmas. For as long as I can remember I've called it X-mas. Crazy, my name is Carol, I should love it. But too many people celebrate it with gifts and money instead of what it's really suppose to be about. I sure hope that changes soon. The last Christmas I remember loving, was when I was 16. Multi-disc players came out and I got my very first stereo. A five disc changer. That stereo has died of course but I still have and use those speakers. They are awesome and hooked up to an amp that I can plug into my computer, my phone, my iPad, just about anything. So cool. I drove my family nuts for about a month because of course I also got some CD's. Singles. Remember them?? I loved them. Two or three dollars for a song I loved. Able to buy a few instead of one that had so many songs I didn't like. My favorite was "Un-break My Heart." I was happy, not sad and I wasn't in love with anyone, just that song. I played it over and over and over, as loud as possible. Now when I hear it, I'm still happy. Because my heart is still beating. Some one is out there looking for me and since I'm happy, it won't be long before they come to comfort me and help me heal.

No matter how hard we try, Blaine and I fight too much. We have both accepted that we just don't get along. And now that he's on meds again and my body is recovering, we are doing our best to help each other while we wait for our twin flames to come save us.

One more thing, I'm so awesome and proud. My uncle's paper landed perfectly this morning. See it leaning against the door?? The only cool thing that happened this morning. I didn't see many animals, a couple deer and cats, that's it. And for the first time since surgery, I'm actually in pain. Probably cause I can't afford any weed :'(

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