Cotton Candy

7:27am

I only used SoundHound to look up three songs this morning. One while I sat in my friend B's kitchen while she played 90's "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base. I use to love that group, now I think they are bit silly. Number two was "Bust A Move" by Young MC. The morning show we listened to while delivering papers was playing bits of songs to remind of us of the older music. That one was picked for song of the day, maybe they were just joking, I'm not sure. We dropped off D right before the sun started coming up, which I thought was great, she calls her self the dark force and we had her home before daylight. On the way to B's we heard what SoundHound told me was "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac but it wasn't that one and now I forget what it was. I haven't heard it in years. I dropped B off as we both yawned, I was and am so glad that I wrote most of what I wanted to write while I sat with B in her kitchen before the paper route.

I had a crappy Thanksgiving. Most of my family was sad, being an empath who is healing, it was tough on me. I found it strange that we had all good real whole foods. It was really delicious but everyone was sad.

I cried. I can't even change my headlight anymore. Not only does my car have two separate bulbs for lo and high but the one that blew out is of course impossible to get to. And it has a plug that you can't see because it's almost smack against the battery and the bulb won't move while plugged in. I gave up and couldn't even put the cover back on. So I cried, no, I bawled. No one understands how hard things are when your thumbs don't work. I'm not asking Blaine because he has a way of making me feel even worse about it. He feels like I should do these things on my own. That's why he's not good for me, he doesn't understand. I still cry when I think about him helping me move my bed :-/ I can't help but think about my Taurus father, he'd be here in a heartbeat, as soon as I mentioned the headlight, I wouldn't even have to ask. And that's the kind of man I want, I know they exist, I'm not picky or hard to please, I just know what I want and I know it's out there.

I was asked if I'm dead inside!!?? Seriously. Just came out in the middle of a convo. I replied that I didn't want to think about it anymore. That I thought I was and I don't want to know....I feel like I'm here for a reason and a purpose. I've thought about it a lot. I have recently felt like my heart is beating again, remember?? And my daughter shared her favorite song right now, "Heaven nor Hell" by Volbeat. Wow do those lyrics fit. I did just go through Hell with my devil. And I'm still here. I feel like I got my soul back. I didn't steal it though. I just felt an awful lot of love for my devil. The whole six and a half months, I felt love with him. But he never showed love. He was a dog who constantly disrespected my body. He believed in my psychic abilities, to a point and he loved to watch me cut hair. But that wasn't enough. Not at the time. He was too busy chasing paper, story of my life.

Anyway, I'm not dead inside anymore. I'm alive. And yea, I still cry when I think about how lonely I am but I know I beat my devil, I earned my soul, my life, the Capricorns have been taking care of me my whole life and I understand how they think. I believe my devil is finally coming to see me soon. For something great tho, I made him see why he has such bad luck, he's returning the favor some how. And I'm due something epic. So I'm staying busy and trying to smile because I have a lot to be thankful for and soon, I will finally have some one to share this life with. Some one who appreciates me, understands me and takes care of me. And I know it's a Taurus, my Taurus father, cousins and friends have been showing me how much they understand me and would give me whatever I want.

Today's blog is named after the flavor of my rolling paper this morning. Yea, I have my good days and right now, I was able to roll a nice fat one, I AM Awesome :))

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