My Health

December 10, 2015

6:28am

What happened?? It started with a cough that wouldn't go away. Two, maybe three years ago. I smoke cigarettes and weed and worked in a place full of chemicals and dirty humans. I had some sinus infections, ear and throat infections. I was getting a lot of them but I assumed I was getting older, I was around and closer to people than I ever was before and worked too much to eat right so I just assumed it was a weak immune system and part of getting older.  By the time I quit Holiday Hair, I had lost ten pounds but everyone acts like I've lost thirty. I think it's because I stopped wearing baggy jeans and layers of clothes and started wearing leggings. Seriously, I've only lost ten pounds, mostly in my thighs and face. I peed a lot but I drank a lot of coffee and water, way more than I ate. I had been to the gyno, they didn't find anything, no UTI or bacteria infection. No reason they could find. 

 

I was depressed. I think that's clear. I've been for many years. I feel like I went through Hell last winter, I usually get depressed in winter, this last one was the worst and didn't end. I was happy for a little while with Home Depot. He distracted me from my problems but didn't pay enough attention to me to notice that I was sick. Except to tell me I should quit smoking and lose the cough. But I couldn't quit, I wasn't happy enough. 

 

I went back down in my hole for a couple months. Until I was convinced some one was coming to live with me. That made me happy for a month. But I was misled and invisible so I went back down my hole. I had been letting the weed smoke me, convinced that I had been on the right path at first and then lost. I wasn't sure who I was anymore, I wasn't sure what I was feeling, physically or emotionally. I just smoked, worked and slept. I stopped paying attention to when I ate and what I was doing. I didn't know what to do so I just wanted to lay here and die. Especially when the guy I was led to believe cared about me was in fact just looking for pity and attention and came back looking for more. My heart was really broke then; years of dating, being misunderstood and taken advantage of, had taken it's toll on me. I was letting myself go. I ran out of weed and didn't want to leave my room, I didn't want to see anyone, definitely not that guy. After three days of being sober, I realized that I hadn't eaten much. I really was dying but I didn't know how to explain it, it didn't make sense, what could be that wrong with me?? Looking back, I realize that I was just too sick and had been for so long that I was numb to whatever it was. After all, I don't mind physical pain and rarely feel it. I didn't have any empath friends, I had no way of knowing how much pain I was really in. The infection was messing with my mind too. I should have known, I didn't want to read, watch tv, I couldn't concentrate on anything. I chalked it up to being stoned and depressed.

 

When my Taurus father showed up and smoked with me, it was some very potent shit that we smoked from a vapor. I coughed for probably an hour straight, there on my deck for every one to see. Then I went to bed for a nap before delivering papers. When I woke up, I was in pain. My ribs hurt again. They hurt two weeks earlier. But this time, it hurt more. By the time I finished the papers, I was in a lot of pain. I never hurt that much before. And I was thinking clearly at the time, I remembered feeling like I was truly dying. The ER docs insisted on a CT scan. They were concerned that I might have gall stones but they were saying the same thing about the lady in the room next to me. Her results came back, she definitely had stones, I knew I wasn't getting that answer. I knew when they told her that, that there was something really wrong with me. There just had to be. I haven't been myself.

 

Yea, that's when they told me about the tumor. For an unknown reason, my teratoma was crushing my insides and they were trying to shut down, most especially my intestines. The depression and not eating much wasn't helping at all. I was given an antacid that actually helped my intestines move along so that yes, I could poop and eat. I almost remembered to take it every day like I was suppose to and thankfully I lived until my surgery Nov. 3. Up until then, I did pretty much the same; slept, delivered papers, smoked and slept some more. They confimed that I did indeed have a cracked rib, it hurt and I was scared. I really didn't care if I lived or not. I wasn't seeing the point. I was alone. No one came to see me, hardly anyone called or text. I was pretty depressed.

 

Surgery saved my life. The teratoma saved my life. It turned out to be non cancerous, as expected and surprisingly, my right ovary that it was attached to and bigger than, is okay. It's possible to still have kids from that ovary but my left fallopian tube was full of fluid, possibly infected. It was huge, like ten times the normal size. They gave me pics with the right and left one.....I think it's fascinating. So yea, they removed it. It was like a huge tooth infection that my entire body was fighting. If it had burst, it would have killed me, just like when your appendix ruptures. Same thing. 

 

Wow....I'm home, taking care of myself, no one stayed and helped me walk to the bathroom at night and I'm trying to process all this. I was sick for so long and didn't even know how sick I was. Crazy. And this tumor that might be parts of my twin......damn. And if this isn't enough, day four - post surgery, I started getting these bruises on my left side. They were getting bigger and more purple as the day went on. WTF  

 

I went to the ER and stayed for awhile. No clue where these hematoma's came from but there are three and they hurt now. Then, they were extremely uncomfortable, now, they hurt. It's making everything difficult. Walking, sitting, standing, stretching to put papers in boxes, just moving sucks ass. They have gone from a deep, dark purple to a very light purple....still visible. I've been sleeping a lot again. I feel like a bum but at least this time I'm healing and not dying. Although emotionally, I wish I were. I'm still not happy with this life, I believe the answer to life is love and I've never truly been in love and I feel like I never will be. I feel like no one is ever going to understand me the way I want and need

 

 

 

 

 

 

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