Yuck

10:41pm

I've been falling in my hole again. Yea, I'm still obsessing over being alone. I can't stand it anymore. I was told a very long time ago that you have to love yourself and be comfortale with yourself to be happy. Well, I use to be happy alone and I do love myself but I'm almost 36 and I still haven't found some one who wants to love me. I've been through so much, I've almost died several times and I've done it all alone. I have a house, a beautiful kid, everything else I could possible want and need. Yea, I know, I've been over this but this is what goes through my head all the time. I wish I could think of something different but I can't. I'm hurting, I'm lonely and I'm still extremely hurt over the last crush. Yea, it's fucked up. Really fucked up....we barely know each other, were just acquiantances and yea, he's married but.....I made him laugh and he use to say that I was awesome. Now he says I'm nuts and that really fucking hurts. Just because I called him a coward and the truth hurts.....he took one misunderstanding and decided to run away and go back to the wife who makes him want to kill himself. Yea, I did nothing wrong, not once. I didn't hit on the guy, I didn't touch him, I didn't try to contact him - not once and I sure as hell never had sex with the guy. I'm not a homewrecker, I'm not a whore.....think what you want, my friends wanted me to help their friend leave his wife, I was willing to help because I care about everyone and after 'knowing' him for three years, he seemed cool so I said ok. Yea, I was a fool, maybe I should have talked to him but from the convo's I was having with my friends, it sure seemed like it was a done deal. Plus my dreams and everything I believe in told me that this guy wanted to be with me. But then I found out he was thinking about moving to Colorado, that hurt. But not as much as it hurt when he came around wanting to kill himself.....what about me?? I was forgotten, he had no idea if I could help him, he didn't even try talking to me. Till I freaked out on W and asked him to make the guy go away. Then he has the nerve to talk to me, telling me that he can't leave, his wife has too much dirt on him, he'll never see his kid. What an ass. He didn't want to talk about what was going on, he just wanted to make excuses for ignoring me. That just made me feel like I was nothing, I mean, I'm already depressed and lonely, sure maybe he's too selfish to see that but that's my point, he didn't even care how much I was hurt, he just hurt me some more and made me feel even smaller. And now, since I couldn't keep my emotions out of that convo - the one he started, he wants to pretend I'm the crazy one?? Whatever. There have been times that I wish I had tried to talk more and let him know how much I could help him instead of calling him out but it sure seemed like he already made his mind up and there was nothing I could say anyway. After all, it's his life and his choice; to blow off the best thing that could ever happen to him (but that's his loss). And now.......I have a meaning for the initials AJ, they keep comimg up and I'm sorry for anyone whose name or nickname is AJ but for now, it's my motto whenever this idiot comes to mind, Asshole Junkie.....repeat and repeat till he's gone and I don't cry. And yea, I think about a lot of guys, not just one, I promise, he's the only one I can't stop crying over. I cry over enough, I don't want to care what this jerk thinks about me, he's never cared about me but I'm having a hard time losing him.

All I want is for some one to come make me forget about it all. I'm feeling a little better physically today. I just might start cutting hair next week, I've some more requests, I'm so ready, it's time to stop being afraid of hurting myself more. I think after six weeks I should be healed enough that I can't seriously injure myself, right?? I've also scheduled an appointment for new tires and an oil change Monday. That's exciting, my alignment is getting so bad that delivering papers alone is getting to be a real pain.

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