My favorite Usher song and one of my fav dance songs. You could bet that I would be on the dance floor at Days Inn when this song played. This song makes me think of that place and some times I really miss it. This morning I was thinking about the red head I met there, the one who went to school with my neighbor M. We ended up dating for three or four months. He was really nice, took me on dates and let me drive his truck. I ended up liking him more as he liked me less. He broke up with me, I didn't take it well, I think I cried for like two months. But not long after is when I started drinking too much and I didn't write in my journal very often. I know that was a good Christmas. I drove the red heads truck to work one morning, I worked at Friendly's. There was a man who came in for breakfast almost every morning and that morning, he threw a big, real tree in the truck for me. I was so happy, I'm pretty sure it was my first very own real tree and it was free. This Christmas however, is probably the worst one on record. I believe Christmas is to spend the day with the one you love. Well, I spent almost the entire day alone. Sure, I love my self but I'm 35, it's getting lonely. My daughter stayed with her dad. He doesn't take her often but she thinks he's the best dad ever, I'm not going to say no. Even though or especially because I'm still hurt over the other night. She told me she didn't want to spend much time with me, she likes hiding in her room by herself and then shut the door in my face :'(

Doesn't help that only a few people said Merry Christmas and of course one was the married man who likes me. Which made me think about what he said. He likes me because he's having a lot of issues but when he's around me, he feels calm and feels likes everything is ok. *SIGH* I know, I feel the same about some one else. And that's hurting. I'm glad to report and hoping that I'm not about to jinx myself, I haven't had any dreams about Boston for two weeks now. At least not that I can remember but the connection is still there. Now, I feel him thinking about his wife and not caring about me at all. It hurts. It's been over six months and I've done so many things to try and loose this connection but it just won't go away. Most people think I'm crazy but the one's who understand and believe and feel things like I do, they want me to embrace it and accept it. I've tried but I can't. I never wanted this guy, the last time I saw him, I didn't even want to look him in the eyes and I sure as hell didn't care about him. Now, all I've seen is a selfish asshole and I still don't want the guy. I want to lose this connection and I want to have it with some one real. Some one I can actually be with, look at and touch. I'm so upset because I don't understand how at 35, I still can't find a guy who is worthy and smart, who believes and feels for me what I feel for them. I know people who have it, some have had it since high school, why can't I find some one who loves me as much as I love myself?? And on Christmas Day?? Yea, I've been crying a lot. Especially since I alnost had a puppy. So close but didn't happen. I bawled for about an hour. Then remembered that I don't really want a puppy anyway and it wasn't a Pit Bull either. But then I can't help wondering why the Universe can give me so many damn cats.......they just show up at my door. And my daughter gets a dog while I'm five months pregnant, living in Texas and her dog barks at my door?!?!? Yet, I'm still looking for a dog :'((

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