"Another Lonely Night"
I'm not ok again. I need help. I can't get this shit out of my head or my life. I'm still really hurt. I'm stuck on what happened. What did happen?!?! How did Boston go from thinking I'm awesome to thinking I'm crazy?!? He never even talked to me. All I can imagine is that W said things because he claims to know me. That's why he kept Max from me. He thinks I can't handle a dog or need one. But he doesn't know me, he doesn't even know himself. I sure hope it's not because of my emails to Boston the night he finally talked to me. He didn't ask me any questions, his mind was already made up, what I said that night, with my heart breaking while my body was dying and frying my brain.....shouldn't have any impact on what he thinks of me now. What did he even expect me to say to him anyway?? I should have stuck with my gut and ignored him instead of telling him I didn't want to talk. But he ignored me and said he wanted to talk and talk he did, he wasn't listening nor did he care about me. And oh yea, I let it be all about him too. So if that's what it is, one day of Carol being crazy, because of his junkie actions and words, well then, he truly is an insensitive asshole, huh?? There I was, trying to help him, ready to give him my everything, even tho I was the one truly dying and he thinks I'm nuts?? Well I've had enough. I can't take this place. I'm feeling like I want to die again. I want to give up my home, I want to leave this state, I want to leave this fucking world. I'm so sick of this life and these constant reminders. I wish I didn't care. I don't want to be me anymore and feel the things I do. I wish I could be like those assholes and not care about anyone but myself and money. I've wasted so much of my time and I just want to disappear. I cared about these people, I thought we were building a future but they don't see my worth or care about me at all, they left me here by myself. I'm all alone. No one visits me. No one wants to see me. I don't want this life. I am awesome and I am special; I knew Boston was doing H but I was still willing to give him a chance to prove he wasn't an asshole. But he didn't want it, instead he made himself even more of an asshole. And I need out of here
Thank you though, W and Boston. Life is Hell for me right now because I don't want to see your faces therefore I'm giving up my home. The one I've lived in pretty much my whole life, 34 years. And I truly am thankful, maybe not so much now but one day, it's going to be worth it. That's why things fall apart, right?? Yea, we all could have had a great community and future together but I want amazing and magical and you don't believe in magic. Nor can I make you, so, I need to go live with people who do. That's my biggest problem, you didn't want to believe, you had to think negative and think nothing ever works out.......way to go.....you did make it negative. You broke my heart and made me leave this place
P.S. Why does it bother me you ask.....because of my dreams and everything I believe in. Not to mention all the good energy it took from this place. I shouldn't be surprised that no one wants to visit, I don't even want to be here anymore. It's a little late but it's still a New Moon so I did another cleansing spell before taking a nap last night. I think it worked. I woke up mad and wrote the above, then went to deliver papers. Some good things happened but I was still in tears by the time I pulled out from the place where I pick up the papers. I cried for an hour and a half, kept turning the radio off then back on. Then I heard my theme song, well, the one Facebook told me was many years ago and I've come to love it. Listening to it this morning, "Party In the USA," yea, it still fits. More now than ever, I want to move and get out there and be almost famous. I was close to smiling when I heard my song and then I did smile when I got to hear my new theme song right after it. Again, two days in a row, after just finding it, "Pursuit of Happiness" and I got to hear some pretty good songs for the rest of the morning. So I'm feeling better emotionally and I believe it's safe to say that I'm finally strong enough to make this cleansing spell work. Physically however, I'm hurting bad this morning, I'm glad it's a Sunday, I can take a really long nap now and wait for work to call