"Runaway Train"

January 11, 2016

5:30am

No, it's not just the drama, I still want to find a bus and show my daughter the beautiful landscape of the U.S. as I did growing up. There is so much to see and experience, I know a lot of people out there I'd like to go visit, plus, I always wanted to live somewhere warm, closer to a beach. And I can't forget that this house is too big for me, I'm not getting close to anyone and I can't take care of it alone. So yea, the drama is the number one reason, the finger on the trigger that finally made me want to say goodbye. And I'm just sure that we will find home along the way out there. Now I just have to find a bus. I've got a few bodyguard/drivers lined up, I'm sure I will pick one or two by the time I find my bus

 

Hmm....just finished the playlist on Spotify. I find it interesting that it's the 11th and for the fourth time this month, four out of five playlists so far this month, there are eleven songs. That's a lot of one's

 

I decided to leave early, I didn't have any smokes and I just had a feeling my papers would be on time, if not early. At Sunoco, my girl who calls me Lady Jane was working. She's  great, she was honest and told me that I look like shit. I sure did, I just spent the last few hours bawling but I didn't tell her that. She made me smile and I was grateful. Then of course I went to DD where I go almost every morning and have gotten to know the girls. This morning, the girl working was the talker (I know faces, not names) and I was grateful. We talked awhile, I finally told her about my surgery. She was thankful because she was thinking about making a gyno appointment. She has never been and that's not good. Especially when you consider what just happened to me in the one year since my last appointment. It's actually pretty scary. I'm going to make sure I bug her until she goes. I finally said goodbye and left, just in time to meet the paper guy who was putting my papers in a bag. I sat and ate for a minute while he unloaded and I'm so glad, he ended up putting them on my seat for me so I didn't have to get out in the cold. What a nice guy.

 

Too bad all those great things didn't keep the tears away. I cried almost my whole route. Why so many tears?? I can't stand being alone anymore. I just can't take it, I might lose my mind after all. And then of course I think about everything I've been through. On my own. I wonder why I'm having such a hard time finding a man or even a dog. I feel like I'm being punished and forced to be alone. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I don't know how else to think anymore. I've always gotten what I wanted but these two things and I just can't stand it. Why, at 35, am I stuck in a life that I tried so hard not to have?? I never wanted a career and I sure as hell never wanted to be alone. 

 

Ugh....I want to stop writing. I think about closing this page. I can't explain what drives me to write this. I don't even know what I'm going to say most times, I just sit here and it comes out. I do know that for the past six months or so, weekends have been hard. I don't know why tho. I just know that every weekend, I'm extremely sad and I bawl my eyes out. I have come to love Mondays. It's a relief and a break from the tears.

 

I can't stop writing......I remember now. The playlist. While I was along the river this morning, I was definitely crying and I thought, how will I ever find a man now anyway?? Blaine was right about that, I am broken. Very, very broken. Who's going to want me?? Then I heard "Absolutely" and it made me remember. He is going to love me and do everything he can to make me smile, including snuggling my pathetic, bawling self until all my broken pieces go back together......because that's what we both want. In the mean time, I'm going to do my best to stay sane while I heal some more and pray that I never have to find another job again

 

 

I really just want a damn dog, I WILL have one

 

 

 

P.S. Facebook is making me smile now too

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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